Alastor's sausage
by Suikoden26
Summary: Mrs Weasley and Snape pass a good few hours chasing a certain somebody around Grimmauld Place. If you review my fics I'll review yours!


Summary: Mrs Weasley and Snape pass a good few hours chasing a certain somebody around Grimmauld Place.

**Alastor's sausage**

Snape lurched across the room onto the ornate bed and grabbed Moody's cock.

'Got you…' he breathed silkily, tightening his grip on the offending object.

At that moment Mrs Weasley barged into the room, looking flustered. Her gaze was instantly caught by the squiggling victim, which tried to escape Snape's grasp. A few seconds of frantic scuffling ensued, before Snape cursed inwardly, losing his prey.

Mrs Weasley sighed in frustration and the fat bird flapped about the room wildly, letting out screeches of distress.

'Molly!' cried Snape, his sharp eyes suddenly bearing into hers. 'Stop throwing yourself around! I almost had him! If you hadn't rushed in like that…'

Mrs Weasley embarked to return an irksome glance, but was abruptly distracted.

'The window! The – Merlin's beard, Severus! Close the window!'

With swift reflexes, Snape spun on his heel – a flick of the wrist slammed the window shut and strands of dark hair whirled into the professor's exasperated face.

The escapee collided with the glass, leaving a nasty mark.

'I believe it would be beneficial,' gasped Snape, impatience evident in his voice, 'If you were to leave me to deal with this alone. Would it not?'

Either Snape had not anticipated her reaction, or he was merely wishing against it, for Mrs Weasley was furious.

'No,' she replied briskly, 'I don't think it would.'

'And if you think,' she began, her voice raising hysterically, 'that you are _any_ better at this than I am.' She paused, catching her breath, face flushed.

Snape raised his eyebrows sardonically, before smoothly taking advantage of the silence.

'Better at what, may I ask?' His lips curled into a slightly mocking smile. 'Mrs Weasley, I think I stand a remarkably better chance than you. Or have you already forgotten the little – ah – _incident _downstairs.' He reeled off the words sleekly, gently lacing them with his unparalleled sarcasm.

The enraged expression worn by Mrs Weasley at this time only added to Snape's amusement.

'If I remember correctly,' he continued, 'You tried to – how should I put it? – _lure _him into your clutches with…ah…milk. _Milk_ Mrs Weasley. You served him _milk.'_

'Well I thought he liked it!' spluttered Mrs Weasley, taken aback by Snape's attitude to what she thought was a respectable plan.

'And it would have worked too, if you didn't decide to stick your nose in where it wasn't wanted! Flinging yourself at him! Trying to grab him by the leg! And now I find you up here assaulting the poor thing!'

Now it was Snape's turn to look taken aback.

'Assault?' he questioned, with an unfathomable glint in his eye. His thin mouth swiftly became a derisive smile.

'Really, Mrs Weasley. I think you're overreacting.'

Snape took a precautionary glance at the collapsed heap by the window – it wasn't going anywhere.

'Anyway, I didn't harm him.'

Mrs Weasley also observed the buckled body sprawled out on the carpet, before casting a cynical glare back in Snape's direction. He chose to ignore this.

'I was only as firm as was necessary,' he snapped irritably. 'If it wasn't for me you'd still be in the kitchen pleading with him to sip some milk – a waste of perfectly good milk.'

Mrs Weasley sighed, knowing there was no point trying to argue back against this satirical potions genius. She suddenly felt a great wave of empathy for her sons and vowed to always give them a fair chance in future disputes. This revelation was short lived, however, as she checked the coordinates of the fallen victim once again.

Moody's cock was standing bolt upright.

She started. 'Severus!' she screamed.

Snape, who had been facing the opposite direction contemplating life, whipped around, eyes alert and greasy black hair shimmering seductively.

'Sweet mother of Merlin!' shrieked Mrs Weasley. 'Grad it, Severus! Grab it before it's too late!'

Although disgruntled by the repetitive nature of the day's event, Snape dived at the unsuspecting creature, wrapping his fingers around it to form a secure grip.

'What in Merlin's name are you doing to my cock!' yelled Moody.

There was a moment of ear-splitting silence as the group exchanged confounded expressions and their minds grappled with various explanations for the bizarre situation in which they had unfortunately become engulfed.

Snape, however, quickly took it upon himself to rectify the situation, in the way only a wizard knows how.

'Stupify!'

In a flash, Moody belted out the doorway and crashed onto the landing – just a few inches further and his unconscious body would've been tumbling down the stairs.

'Pity,' said Mrs Weasley, presumably not referring to that previous statement.

'I would've liked to hear you explain your way out of that one, Severus.' She grinned, mockingly.

Snape shot her a deadly look, clearly livid that his own trademark was being used against him.

The two of them strode over to the paralysed Moody, each privately relieved by this relatively cushy outcome.

Look at the mess we're in now…' moaned Mrs Weasley. 'He'll be alright, won't-"

"You know the effects of the spell perfectly well; of course he'll be alright,' spat Snape, infuriated that he was apparently now including in this catastrophe, despite Mrs Weasley's earlier remarks.

'Severus!' Mrs Weasley's eyes darted around, although looking for something.

'…What?' he inquired idly.

'Severus! Where is it! It – it must have gone down! Oh, Severus, this is all your fault! Why did you let go of it!'

'Be rational, Mrs Weasley! I had to let go of Moody's cock to perform the spell! If it has since disappeared from sight, I can hardly be held responsible for such consequences!'

Snape stormed over to the previously occupied bedroom, leaving Mrs Weasley to mutter something about him being to cocky to admit to his own mistakes. He briefly scanned the room's contents, and then slammed the door.

'There! There it is! It's coming back up!' cried Mrs Weasley from behind him.

The potion professor swivelled around, for the umpteenth time that day.

Mrs Weasley, whose outstretched arm was pointing towards Moody's cock, peered over her shoulder; possibly to check whether or not Snape was too dizzy to continue the chase; or perhaps she was just curious as to the number of marks he must have etched across his face, considering the many hair flicks that have accumulated over the years.

While she pondered about the results of such rotations, Snape plunged after Moody's cock.

He found himself hurtling down the staircase. He clenched the victim between his slender fingers, determined not to let him escape this time; to get this over and done with.

When he reached the foot of the stair, however, he was shocked to discover that the task was not yet complete.

'Stay still!' he ordered, being overpowered by his supposed prey.

Despite the struggle, Snape managed to keep hold of Moody's cock throughout the entire wrestling match. He actually became so immersed in the battle between man and beast, that it took him s good few minutes to realise that Mrs Weasley was calling him from above.

'Severus! By Merlin, I think he's coming round!' Mrs Weasley was still on the landing, kneeling over Moody's corpse.

'Alastor?' she whispered, looking anxious and hoping he wouldn't reply.

'………….'

'Alastor?' she repeated with a little more confidence, feeling reassured by his encouraging response.

'………Urgh….Molly?' Moody lifted himself up, looking perplexed.

'Oh! Alastor!' said Mrs Weasley, standing up nervously. 'Erm…Welcome back!'

Meanwhile, Snape marched into the kitchen and flung the cockerel back into it's cage. After ensuring that the lid was securely fastened, he shot the young bird a leer of resentment that could power three unforgivable curses. He then proceeding to storm out, the door crashing behind him.

His hurried departure was stalled, however, when he met his two former companions darting towards him.

Moody was clunking along a brisk pace, grumbling about the whereabouts of something. Mrs Weasley scurried after him.

'Alastor, he's fine. He's –'

She spotted Snape in the doorway, cockless, and heaved a sigh of relief.

'He's still in his cage.'

'What the hell are you on about woman?' growled Moody, his magical eye surveying her suspiciously. As he pushed past Snape he noticed the cock, whose head erected at the sight of his owner.

'You mean Frank?' he grunted. 'Hmph. Well it's not like you could have any problems looking after him…..Now where is it?' His eye was twirling around at the speed of Snape, searching for the lost object.

'If,' began the aforementioned spinner, making Mrs Weasley jump, 'You are referring to the chipolata. I'm afrai-'

'You!' barked Moody accusingly. 'What have you done to my sausage!'

'I ate it for breakfast,' replied Snape curtly. 'It is to be expected if you leave it lying around, for anyone to find.'

Moody stared back in disgust, both eyes fixed on Snape's icy face.

'…You can't be trusted,' he eventually concluded. 'The crazy woman too. Neither of you can be trusted!' As he yelled this last sentence he backed away, drawing his wand.

Mrs Weasley and Snape swapped knowing glances.

'Alastor, dear…' said Mrs Weasley consolingly. 'Have you taken your medication?' At this, Moody gave a grunt and stomped off down the corridor, muttering to himself and letting out occasional yelps of, 'Constant vigilance!'

'Well…' exhaled Mrs Weasley, gazing at Moody's cock, whose bright little peepers twinkled back innocently.

'Now that we're partners in crime.' She turned her gaze to the sour-faced potions professor.

'…Or at least, partners in catching cocks and sausages…How about a drink?'

Snape answered in the affirmative, albeit bitterly, and Mrs Weasley rummaged around for some glasses.

'…oh' she said at last, remembering that Moody had disposed of all the alcohol, fearing that it had been poisoned.

'Well…I suppose we could have some coffee…'

She opened the fridge door.

'Some – er – rather strong coffee.'

FIN

Authors notes: I just thought of this one day and thought it was quite amusing, so I decided I'd write it down. Hopefully it makes sense! I wasn't sure about the rating and was tempted to put it as a K, seeing as it's only about a cockerel. I've rated it T now though. So, what do you think? Please review! This is a one-shot, but a might write a sort of sequel or something if I get some decent reviews. Thanks for reading!

Thanks for the reviews Insane Immortal Dragon and Lalalalalllalalla (or whatever your name is).

I've sorted out a few typos now, so hopefully this'll work when I reload it!


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